When a child stubbornly refuses to do what their mother asks, even the most patient mother can feel her patience tested. The defiance makes you feel a fury you didn't know you had, and you wonder what it will take to get him to listen. Nothing you do, no matter how angry or threatening you become, will make him collaborate. It was over something so petty as his talking while he should have been resting, his refusal to clean up after himself, and his ignoring your requests that he use the restroom. When you reflect on the futility of the "debate" in retrospect, you feel bad. As soon as you realise that your usual tactics of nagging, repeating, and losing your temper aren't working, you'll know that you need to try something new.
At this juncture in my life, I had a pivotal epiphany about the importance of self-discipline. Because of this shift in viewpoint, I now see my toddler's behaviour in a different light. Most people, you see, equate discipline with either punishment or time outs. When kids defy their parents, they face these consequences. Discipline, on the other hand, is something entirely else. Discipline is all about learning and teaching. We're helping kids learn to regulate their emotions and express themselves responsibly.
Check this list of Sydney early learning programs to help you choose the best education for your children.
Discipline can be one of the most taxing and unpleasant aspects of parenting, and it can feel like a never-ending battle of wills between you and your child. In particular, this will ring true for many moms. Your 2-year-old will "understand" that she can't hit her newborn brother in the head with a doll, but then she'll latch on to some other bad habit and you'll have to start all over again.
If a baby or toddler is "controlled," what does that even mean? We are not talking about caning or any other form of corporal punishment, despite popular belief to the contrary. The goal of punishment, according to many authorities on child rearing, is to instil in kids a set of positive behaviours and discourage some bad ones, including running into traffic or being physically aggressive towards their peers (by punching or biting, for example) (throwing food). One aspect of this is "being a decent boss," as a Denver, Colorado, psychiatric nurse practitioner who focuses on parent and family counselling described it to me. Here are seven tried-and-true methods for assisting people in establishing limits and terminating undesirable behaviours.
To Connect With Your Child, It’s Important to Get On His or Her Level.
Seeing things through your kid's eyes can give you a whole new outlook on the situation. The simplest way to improve your communication with another person is to stoop down to their eye level. There are three major benefits of taking these measures:
- He will take your words seriously. It's aggravating when you want to take things seriously but he finds everything hilarious. Lower yourself to his level, create direct eye contact, and speak clearly but firmly while giving instructions.
- The level of respect you show has increased. When you address him from up high, he may feel patronised. When you lower yourself to his level, you're more likely to listen to him and respond to his concerns.
- You stay away from battles for control. When you talk to him face to face, he is less defensive and more willing to comply with your requests.
Examine Your Toddler’s Motivations
It seems like defiance is commonplace everywhere you look. You'll know it when your child continues to defy your requests that he come to the table to eat or stop jumping on the bed despite your repeated warnings that he stop.
If I were to speculate, though, I would say that he is not acting inappropriately to get under your skin. Inquiring further, you may discover that he was fixing a toy at the very moment you called for him to join you at the dinner table. Similar to how he wasn't testing his new toddler bed's limits by hopping on it, he wasn't testing them at all by doing so.
Dole Out and Then Act on the Resulting Repercussions
How often do you tell your child he needs to behave or else? In addition to having little effect, hollow threats are rarely followed through on. You'll both learn from the situation if you follow through with the penalties associated with his actions. Take a stand and you'll give him the relationship limits he needs.
In addition, keeping your word increases his trust in you. Perhaps not in the near term, but in the long run, if you consistently provide as promised, he will come to trust you. Because the consequences you say would never happen do arise, he may continue to act inappropriately if you don't stop his behaviour.
Struggle Wisely
It can be draining to spend time with your toddler if every contact ends in a fight. Time spent with a toddler feels much more taxing now. You watch him closely, ready to scold him at the first sign of bad behaviour. At times, you have to pick and choose the battles you engage in, deciding which undesirable habits you will actively work to alter and which can wait. Keep in mind that not every challenge requires a physical response. While regularity is crucial, some wiggle space is required for the inevitable curveballs that are part of living.
Give Your Toddler a Choice.
Give your toddler a choice to avoid a tantrum and increase the likelihood that they will listen to you. How? Giving you a lot of leeway:
- Advised that he take responsibility for the work. Instead of seeing putting on a jacket as Mom's Terrible Idea I Must Rebel Against, you can simply accept it. Instead, he can choose between a green or grey coat.
- Peace is preserved. You can prevent a lot of meltdowns by redirecting his focus away from the task he's refusing and towards the alternatives he has.
- Asserts one's agency, mentally. To the contrary, making decisions gives him a chance to express his preferences after being subjected to adult decisions for the vast majority of his life. If he makes a decision, he'll stand by it.
- In doing so, you're demonstrating that you respect his judgement. Though you make most of the decisions for him, you still give him some leeway and show that you care by giving him choices.
- It encourages independent thought in him. If he has options, he can exercise agency and grow in critical thinking. He will be responsible for himself and make a choice between the two.
Explain the Reason
One study found that simply saying "because" allowed women to move to the front of the line to make copies. Things were revealed. People are more likely to cooperate if they understand the reasoning behind the request.
The same holds true for your young child. When adults rule his environment and tell him what to do all the time, it's little wonder he becomes angry. Visualise being subject to regulations that you don't fully grasp or that require you to perform actions that go against your personal values.
Knowing why he should do something, as opposed to just being ordered to do or not do something, will make him more compliant. Make sure you give him a good reason to do what you ask the next time. To prevent injury, you might warn your child, "Don't jump on the bed." Explaining why something needs to be done shifts the focus from you to the task at hand.
He does not view you as a "nasty father" who gives him orders because he is under your care. Instead, you're making your case for why he must comply with your request. To avoid coming across as domineering, emphasise the reasoning behind your request instead of simply making it. This is especially true if you maintain a polite tone of voice while doing so.
Make Sure to Reward Your Child Whenever She Follows Your Instructions
In any case, kids thrive when they get some kind of attention. To their dismay, kids prefer negative attention in the form of arguments, shouting, and reprimands to the absence of any such attention. The most efficient method of teaching your child good manners is to praise her and pay attention to her when she is acting in this way.
At their core, children seek to bring joy to their parents. They are heartbroken by our disappointment and wrath because they feed off of our approval. Take advantage of this by praising her actions whenever they are appropriate.
Rather Than “Asking,” Just Do as You’re Told
In your quest to get your child to do anything as simple as finish a task, act appropriately, or take a bath, you have definitely resorted to pleading more than once. From what I can tell, dad probably shrugged it off and booted you out of the house. You shouldn't "ask" for the directive or try to bargain if you can't. Try not to be met with stony silence or apathy if you bring up the idea of a bath. You must forbid him from playing video games and fidgeting with toys.
Use Positive Language
Using positive language means phrasing your words such that they focus on your toddler's strengths rather than his weaknesses. This is the nuance between the two commands, "Walk" and "Don't run." Better yet, whenever you see him doing something good, be sure to compliment him on it using positive language. Let's pretend he isn't evading capture by hiding in plain sight for the sake of argument. Tell him, "Look at you walking!" and give him compliments. Looking for an early learning centre in Sydney ? Then Little Angels early learning centre is what you’re looking for.
As no one likes being told what they should not do, using positive words will get a better reaction from him. And he'll have faith in his own ability to act responsibly and achieve his goals. If you give him orders and then follow them with statements like "Don't you even think about...", you're showing a lack of faith in his ability to follow them.
Be Careful Not to Make Empty Threats
If you make absurd claims or empty threats, you will lose credibility and influence. A threat like, "If you don't pick up your toys, I'm going to throw them all out!" is meaningless since it seems so ridiculous. The only exception would be if you actually did it. You could also be prone to making broad generalisations. For example, you might tell your young child, "You never listen to what I say" or "You continually misbehave." Not only are these labels misleading because he does not exhibit this behaviour around-the-clock, seven days a week, but they also fail to capture the whole complexity of his character.
Have a Conversation After the Child Has Calmed Down
As soon as a toddler throws a tantrum, all attempts at persuasion are futile. It's like when we get road rage and there's no use in attempting to talk to us because we can't hear you. You should hold off till the anger subsides. Your next move should be to offer your child a hug and reassure him that you can relate to what he's going through. Keep your cool and be there for him while he has a tantrum; he will calm down eventually.
Once he has collected himself, you may have a conversation with him in which you can reasonably expect him to hear you out and take what you have to say seriously.
Hear Out Your Little One
How often do you choose to ignore your child's pleas for attention, even if he is crying? My kids may be begging for my attention, but I'm too busy wondering if we have enough basil to make pesto. In that case, how do I usually respond? I give the impression of listening to their stories by saying, "Uh-huh..."
I didn't perform at my peak level there. Pay close attention to what he says. Towards the middle of his story, the repetition and confusion become so tedious that you might as well be doing something else, like working or relaxing, instead of listening to him. The best method to win his love and trust, though, is to show that you care about what he has to say. As an added bonus, listening attentively is a sign of esteem. Reason dictates that we should receive the same treatment that we provide to others.
Recognize Your Child's Stressors
If you can anticipate what may trigger undesirable behaviour and take preventative measures, such as getting rid of objects that could function as physical temptations, you may be able to avoid it. Successfully employing this strategy was Pasadena, California's Jean Nelson, whose two-year-old son found great amusement in dragging toilet paper down the hall and laughing as it unrolled after him. "The first two times he did it, I told him, 'No,' but the third time he did it, I put the toilet paper on a high shelf in the bathroom that he couldn't reach," Nelson adds. After the fourth incident, I put the bathroom tissue on a high shelf out of his reach. "When you're a kid, there's nothing more thrilling than ripping open a new roll of toilet paper. Instead than debating the matter with him, it was easier to just move it out of the way."
If your 18-month-old tends to grab cans from the shelves of the grocery store, bring some toys to keep him occupied inside the shopping cart. If your toddler does not like to share her stuffed animals, you should take them out of the play area before her 2-year-old friend arrives for an in-home playdate. If your three-year-old likes to draw on the walls, you should keep the crayons in a drawer that's hard for him to open and supervise his colouring sessions at all times.
Always Use Precaution
Some children's bad behaviour is a direct result of being stuck inside all day, whether they're hungry, overtired, or just plain bored. For example, maybe your kid is always happy and energetic in the morning, but by the time lunchtime rolls around, he or she is grumpy and fatigued. Pre-determine when she will have the most energy and stamina, and schedule doctor's appointments and trips to the store around those times. She needs to know what to expect from any novel settings, and you need to set the tone by describing what it looks like.
As an additional step, you can prepare her for the forthcoming routine shift by telling her things like, "In a few minutes, we'll need to collect up the toys and get ready to go home." A child is less likely to complain about anything when she feels she is better prepared for it.
Be Consistent
Children between the ages of two and three make great efforts to learn how their behaviour affects the people around them, as stated by Claire Lerner, LCSW, director of parental resources with Zero to Three, a national nonprofit supporting healthy development of newborns and toddlers. "Children between the ages of 2 and 3 are making great strides in comprehending the effects of their actions on others around them," "If your reaction to a situation keeps shifting, you will send him mixed signals, which will confuse him," the author says. "For example, if you allow your son to throw a ball in the house one day and then the next day you don't."
There is no magic formula for how many times or reprimands a child needs to hear before you can expect them to discontinue a particular sort of undesired behaviour. But if you always respond the same way, after four or five times he will probably get it. Orly Isaacson, a parent from Bethesda, Maryland, realised that her 18-month-old son needed a consistent strategy during his biting phase.
Don't Get Emotional
It can be difficult to keep your cool when your 18-month-old pulls on the dog's tail or your 3-year-old refuses to brush his teeth for the millionth night in a row. Screaming your frustration won't get your point across and will just make things worse.
A child can feel the negative energy emanating from an angry parent, but will not understand what is being spoken. Even if you feel like raising your voice, don't. Your child's enjoyment of the scenario will only grow if you do. Instead, get down on your child's level, take a few calm breaths, and count to three while maintaining eye contact. The scolding itself should be delivered swiftly and with conviction, with a serious and strong tone.
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Instead of trying to "manage" your kid, focus on "managing the environment rather than your kid." For the time being, at least until your daughter's capacity for self-discipline has had more time to grow, you may need to lower your expectations for what is realistic. It's possible you need to lower your standards for her level of patience and composure. You and your partner will feel less frustration if you make it your goal to keep things running smoothly throughout the day.
Discipline Is Not Meant to Feel Like Punishment
There's a chance that when you discipline your kids, you'll feel like you're torturing them. To the contrary, discipline is a method of actively engaging with children to help in the shaping of their moral character, a way of teaching them what is good and bad. It's crucial for functioning well in modern culture that you have this skill.
Conclusion
When a child refuses to do what their mother asks, even the most patient mother can feel her patience tested. As soon as your usual tactics of nagging, repeating, and losing your temper aren't working, you'll know that you need to try something new. Check this list of Sydney early learning programs to help you choose the best education for your children. "Being a decent boss" is all about establishing limits and terminating undesirable behaviours. Lower yourself to his level, create direct eye contact, and speak clearly but firmly while giving instructions.
Examine your toddler's Motivations and then act on the consequences. It can be draining to spend time with your toddler if every contact ends in a fight, but some wiggle space is required for the inevitable curveballs that are part of living. Instead of seeing putting on a jacket as Mom's Terrible Idea I Must Rebel Against, you can simply accept it and show that you care by giving him choices. Explaining why he should do something, rather than just telling him what to do, will make him more compliant. To avoid coming across as domineering, emphasise the reasoning behind your request instead of simply making it.
Children seek to bring joy to their parents and are heartbroken by disappointment and wrath because they feed off our approval. From "Look at you walking!" to "Don't run," these tips will give you a better chance of getting your child to obey you.
Content Summary
- When a child stubbornly refuses to do what their mother asks, even the most patient mother can feel her patience tested.
- The defiance makes you feel a fury you didn't know you had, and you wonder what it will take to get him to listen.
- As soon as you realise that your usual tactics of nagging, repeating, and losing your temper aren't working, you'll know that you need to try something new.
- At this juncture in my life, I had a pivotal epiphany about the importance of self-discipline.
- Because of this shift in viewpoint, I now see my toddler's behaviour in a different light.
- Most people, you see, equate discipline with either punishment or time outs.
- When kids defy their parents, they face these consequences.
- Discipline, on the other hand, is something entirely else.
- Discipline is all about learning and teaching.
- Discipline can be one of the most taxing and unpleasant aspects of parenting, and it can feel like a never-ending battle of wills between you and your child.
- We are not talking about caning or any other form of corporal punishment, despite popular belief to the contrary.
- The goal of punishment, according to many authorities on child rearing, is to instill in kids a set of positive behaviours and discourage some bad ones, including running into traffic or being physically aggressive towards their peers (by punching or biting, for example) (throwing food).
- One aspect of this is "being a decent boss," as a Denver, Colorado, psychiatric nurse practitioner who focuses on parent and family counselling described it to me.
- Seeing things through your kid's eyes can give you a whole new outlook on the situation.
- The simplest way to improve your communication with another person is to stoop down to their eye level.
- There are three major benefits of taking these measures: He will take your words seriously.
- Lower yourself to his level, create direct eye contact, and speak clearly but firmly while giving instructions.
- The level of respect you show has increased.
- When you lower yourself to his level, you're more likely to listen to him and respond to his concerns.
- You stay away from battles for control.
- When you talk to him face to face, he is less defensive and more willing to comply with your requests.
- You'll know it when your child continues to defy your requests that he come to the table to eat or stop jumping on the bed despite your repeated warnings that he stop.
- Similar to how he wasn't testing his new toddler bed's limits by hopping on it, he wasn't testing them at all by doing so.
- You'll both learn from the situation if you follow through with the penalties associated with his actions.
- Perhaps not in the near term, but in the long run, if you consistently provide as promised, he will come to trust you.
- Because the consequences you say would never happen do arise, he may continue to act inappropriately if you don't stop his behaviour.
- It can be draining to spend time with your toddler if every contact ends in a fight.
- You watch him closely, ready to scold him at the first sign of bad behaviour.
- Give your toddler a choice to avoid a tantrum and increase the likelihood that they will listen to you.
- Asserts one's agency, mentally.
- If he makes a decision, he'll stand by it.
- Though you make most of the decisions for him, you still give him some leeway and show that you care by giving him choices.
- It encourages independent thought in him.
- If he has options, he can exercise agency and grow in critical thinking.
- When adults rule his environment and tell him what to do all the time, it's little wonder he becomes angry.
- Visualise being subject to regulations that you don't fully grasp or that require you to perform actions that go against your personal values.
- Knowing why he should do something, as opposed to just being ordered to do or not do something, will make him more compliant.
- Make sure you give him a good reason to do what you ask the next time.
- To prevent injury, you might warn your child, "Don't jump on the bed."
- Explaining why something needs to be done shifts the focus from you to the task at hand.
- Instead, you're making your case for why he must comply with your request.
- To avoid coming across as domineering, emphasise the reasoning behind your request instead of simply making it.
- The most efficient method of teaching your child good manners is to praise her and pay attention to her when she is acting in this way.
- Take advantage of this by praising her actions whenever they are appropriate.
- In your quest to get your child to do anything as simple as finish a task, act appropriately, or take a bath, you have definitely resorted to pleading more than once.
- You shouldn't "ask" for the directive or try to bargain if you can't.
- Try not to be met with stony silence or apathy if you bring up the idea of a bath.
- You must forbid him from playing video games and fidgeting with toys.
- Using positive language means phrasing your words such that they focus on your toddler's strengths rather than his weaknesses.
- This is the nuance between the two commands, "Walk" and "Don't run."
- Better yet, whenever you see him doing something good, be sure to compliment him on it using positive language.
- Tell him, "Look at you walking!" and give him compliments.
- As no one likes being told what they should not do, using positive words will get a better reaction from him.
- And he'll have faith in his own ability to act responsibly and achieve his goals.
- If you give him orders and then follow them with statements like "Don't you even think about...", you're showing a lack of faith in his ability to follow them.
- If you make absurd claims or empty threats, you will lose credibility and influence.
- You could also be prone to making broad generalisations.
- For example, you might tell your young child, "You never listen to what I say" or "You continually misbehave."
FAQs About Discipline A Toddler
If she doesn't listen, take her to the quiet and safe spot you've designated for time-outs, and set a timer. When it goes off, ask her to apologize and give her a big hug to convey that you're not angry.
Luke adds that "the most psychologically damaging thing you can say to a child is a lie that they find out later was not true. If this pattern repeats enough times, it will be very psychologically damaging."
Disobedience can have a variety of causes. At times, it is due to unreasonable parental expectations. Or it might be related to the child's temperament, or to school problems, family stress, or conflicts between his parents.
These include:
- Show and tell. Teach children right from wrong with calm words and actions.
- Set limits. Have clear and consistent rules your children can follow.
- Give consequences.
- Hear them out.
- Give them your attention.
- Catch them being good.
- Know when not to respond.
- Be prepared for trouble.
Disobedience can have a variety of causes. At times, it is due to unreasonable parental expectations. Or it might be related to the child's temperament, school problems, family stress, or conflicts between his parents.